Man bashing...

Why is life one big rollercoaster when you’re in a relationship? One minute you’re all loved up, the next minute they piss you off for some reason or other. The next you’re having make up sex and your mind is at a blank over what you were arguing about. But do we really forget our arguments, or do we hold a little grudge?

We just can’t help it, we love to moan about them, gossip…or as my sister puts it, we love to man bash. No no it’s not some weird sexual thing, but when we slag them off about their pure ignorance towards us, or…… their annoying habits. The way they drive. The toilet lid. Their porn addiction. Their dress sense. They money they’ve spent. The mud on the carpet. The fact that they have no control over their life and they should be mapping it out from here to here. Oh and not forgetting that last drop of orange juice that you were planning to drink all night and…HE DRUNK IT!

Ingredients for a successful night of man bashing usually consist of; a strong dose of girls, previous arguments stirred in for good measure, and a pinch of cocktails added to spice things up. Usually the worst ingredient is the newcomer. A friend you’re trying to hush up but manages to excitedly tell your ‘man basher’ friends that ‘It’s so great living with him’ or ‘His taking me to Paris’ or worse ‘ We’re sooooooo in love’.

Please get me a bucket, you don’t want to know someone’s deliriously in love when you kind of are but he hasn’t down the washing up for the third night in a row, and you feel like straggling him with a tea towel until he gives in!

Don’t get me wrong, we're not witches round a cauldron, stirring poison up for our men to drink. We’re just like you, hanging with our girlfriends telling a tale or two about how he’s really cute but sometimes he does our head in.

I try my best not to join in. But how can you stop yourself from letting out vent up anger when you’re having a bitching session. Even if you haven’t had an argument for the past month there’s always something you can root out and compare against your friends relationship. In a way it’s like going to see a psychiatrist, but cheaper. Its good to let out your feelings, its therapeutic and at least your man doesn’t get the brunt of your moaning.

In some ways I feel sorry for the boyfriend. They're at home, thinking that their relationship is all cosy and they’ve sorted out any little problems with you. Unbeknown to them we’ve all joined forces, at some bar, and created a man bashing session.

But it’s not that were miserable in our relationships; we wouldn’t be with them otherwise. It’s just that sometimes there’s something that just isn’t right – and who are we to not moan about it to our friends – wouldn’t it be wrong not to?

Movie relationships

Christmas….a time for snuggly old films about how romantic Mr so and so is to some lucky woman. It’s the time for soppy Christmas number ones where a cute Boyband will be belt out a tune promising to me ‘yours forever’. Christmas is the time for sharing your love, being romantic and skipping along in a daydream. Bang! Then you realise, to your utter horror that reality just isn’t like this!

Romantic films; we all love them. The romantic men, the emotion involved and that great scene at the end where they all the wrongs become right and they happily mooch off into the sunset together. Growing up I was fixated by Sandy and Danny falling in love over dodgy hair dos and nifty dance routines. And what was more romantic than a bit of Dirty Dancing between Baby and Johnny. So to tell you that I was a little bit disappointed when it came to realistic relationships is an understatement. Real life relationships are nothing like the movies, and frankly, it’s just NOT FAIR!!

Movie relationships set an unrealistic perception when it comes to relationships and love. And of course guys haven’t grown up with Julia Roberts being whisked away from her life as a Hollywood hooker, so how can they ever reach the standards we expect? For one, and I know this is more unrealistic than Robbie Williams sweeping me off my feet and declaring his undying love to me, but where’s the ‘slushy cry your heart out’ music when it comes to that pivotal moment on your first date? Just think; Elton John and Blue popping on in the background while your building up that tension to your first kiss. It works in the movies, so why not in real life?

In the movies anything’s possible where love is concerned, okay I know it’s not real and we all have to go to work, make a living, blah, blah, blah. But how come men in movies drop everything, at a moments notice, and travel across the world for the woman of their dreams? When our guys won’t even move off the sofa to change the TV over?!

Romantic films never warned us about football, drunken boyfriends and rude friends. In movies the guy tries to impress the girl by winning over her parents or fighting off a baddie. Romeo even died for Juliet, now that’s true love. We have to put up with our guys ogling at other girls, Saturday afternoons on our own because, ‘the footballs on’ and laddish behaviour. Frankly Juliet just wouldn’t have put up with this behaviour, and Romeo, being the gentleman he was, wouldn’t have dared to behave this way.

I could wait my entire life, but I’m sure no guy will ever mutter the words “Nobody puts baby in the corner”, well not in any sort of romantic framing anyway. It still makes me tingle when I watch the last scene where Patrick Swayze sweeps baby off her feet, because you know (well I definitely know I’ve seen it at least 100 times) that a happy ending is not far away. Everything turns out well and their love changed lives for the better. Where’s our happy ending?

Okay so I’m not some sort of deluded freak who believes that films are actually real life, but sometimes I wish they were. Thinking about it we don’t actually know what happened after Baby and Johnny finished dancing, they may have had ‘The time of their lives’ that night but what happened afterwards? We assumed they lived happily ever after, but where’s the proof? She could have easily been just some holiday fling. No sorry I just can’t do it, they lived happily ever after, and that’s the end of it!

I know holding on to romantic films isn’t healthy; it’s only going to lead to a string of disappointed relationships. When my next boyfriend asks me the reason I dumped him I can’t really say it’s because our relationship just doesn’t live up to how it is in the movies. But where do fairytales end and real life begin...surely we can have some sort of compromise? After all if Patrick Swayze can die in Ghost, and still come back to kiss Demi for one last time, surely we can expect prince charming to appear from time to time, and sweep us off our feet. That isn’t too much to ask…is it?!

To buy or not to buy....Tis is the festive season!

There’s a difference between buying Christmas presents for a boyfriend and a guy you’ve just-met-and-kind-of-like. The latter usually gets nothing; well that’s what I thought the ‘present buying policy’ was anyway; but maybe I was wrong.

When your settled into a relationship you don’t mind spending your hard earned money on your guy; they’ve put up with your moaning, your nagging, and constant demands for sex every half an hour (you wish guys) and if they’re still with you they deserve a gold medal, or okay a few presents which you’ve at least half heartly thought about. But how are you supposed to shop for a guy you hardly know?

Looking back, I should have put more thought into it last year. Because not only does my new guy hand me one present, but two, three presents…… to my shameful none. Oops….I tried to make it up to him; by buying him lip balm for his cracked lips, but 99p doesn’t really cut it when you’ve been given three thoughtful presents.

So I suppose I’m trying to make up for it this year, by buying him thoughtful presents, and lots of them; twelve so far and at least three more to buy. I’m using the money and imagination I should have used last year to bump up his stocking with delightful surprises; and I ‘m hoping he loves them, so I don’t end up with a lump of coal and yet another black cross against my name this year.

Looking into the future I’m kind of scared of getting married, not just because of all that serious scary commitment stuff but when your settled into a marriage will you or your partner still be as thoughtful on the whole present buying thing. “Wow a knife set…it’s what I’ve always wanted” says the wife, while unwrapping her present “Oh thanks a can of paint and some wall paper for the upstairs bathroom that I’ve been meaning to redecorate” says the husband. What a hellish Christmas that would be, and I know they say it’s the thought that counts, but when you think like that maybe you should boycott Christmas all together.

My friend’s just started seeing a new guy, she’s even started calling him her boyfriend, so maybe I should warn her that lip balm isn’t a worthy present if he decides to gift wrap her Christmas. But what if she buys him a present, and there’s nothing for her in return, should she just smile and wave it off, or look hurt enough for him to buy her the contents of Thorntons?

Whatever she decides on if she’s still with him next year she’ll no doubt have to take out a loan to afford to buy his presents. Why is it when you’re attached you end up spending loads more on them than you do for anyone else? You don’t want to look like you don’t give a shit, but on the other hand you don’t want to be deep in debt for the whole of the next year, merely just for a smile on their face. It’s an expensive time of the year for us attached guys and gals, so think yourself lucky if you’re single; you’ll have more money to get pissed on New Years and join a gym the next day; while the rest of us sit slumped in front of the TV sober and penniless!

Just Dump them God Damn it!

Shit; we’ve all been through it, and it’s worse than telling your best friend you’ve wrecked her new designer dress; but breaking up with someone is something that most of us are going to have to encounter.

Okay so you maybe in this super happy relationship where you never argue. Lucky you; a friend of mine was apparently in one of these super human relationships; but I just don’t get it; how can you not argue? Isn’t it just human nature to get pissed off with someone, especially, and most definitely when you’re living with them. He said they nearly broke up once, but he couldn’t bear to go through with it; was this because he was scared to go it alone or just couldn’t bring himself to tell her; or just the fact that he maybe did actually love her still?! Hmm…no I think he was just a big old coward!

Breaking up with someone is almost like quitting a job. You know it’s going to be hard, you don’t really want to tell them you’re leaving. You don’t know what else is out there; what if you don’t find anything else? But do you know what; if you never look then you’ll never know. It could be the biggest mistake of your life, or the best thing you’ve ever done.

Another friend of mine was with her so called boyfriend for pure convenience. I met her a year ago when all she did was moan on about how she hated living with her boyfriend, let alone being with him. Guess what; still to this day she’s with him. “But I have no where else to live” she says “I’ve been looking, but he pays half the rent and I cant afford anywhere on my own in London”. “Sorry” I said as my head swivelled 360 degrees “Is there a screw lose in there? If your not happy why waste your time?!!”

Some people love to be in relationships where all they do is argue, bitch about each other, and sleep with other people; literally they must get off on it. A girl I met once in a pub (…and ended up doing a drunken rendition of I will survive with on karaoke!!) moaned all night about how her boyfriend says this to her and says that to her. I seriously felt sorry for her; she was obviously been treated badly by him. I spent the night telling her how much of a Pratt he was, doing my best impression of TV chat show Gods Trisha and Jeremy Kyle (Along the lines of ‘Send the loser packing’ ‘Your so much better than he ever will be’) and stupidly thought that I may have even got through to her. I randomly see her two months later, and in her drunken stupor she tells me “The bloody bastards gone to Ibiza with the boys, I hate him”. You just can’t help some people can you?!

At the end of the day if you don’t break up with them now you never will. Why wait a few weeks, a few months, a year; for them to change, to grow up or to love you more. If you don’t do it now you’re going to get roped into marriage, a few kids and be unhappy for the rest of your life, wondering why oh why your life ended up like this. And the sad/funny thing (We’ll be laughing at your purely foolish ways) is that you’ll only have yourself to blame (one of those ‘I told you so’ moments I think!).

What’s your name and where do you come from?

Ok so I’ve had my share of dating…sometimes mind blowing, sometimes mind numbing but dating someone who I’d never actually met before never really appealed to me.

Of course I’m talking about online dating…oh and blind dating for that matter. Yes welcome to the crazy world of 21st century dating and with one click of a button you magically find your prince who sweeps you off your feet…and down to his for a quick curry (oops…sorry it didn’t mean to say that). No it’s more like a thousand clicks later and you’re still no better off, you’re just having to fork out some hefty bill for the forty dating sites you’ve signed up to.

….and of course it’s all about the photo. They may sound nice, have skydiving and poetry as hobbies but if their photos crap then there’s no way your meeting up with them. Anyone can lie about their hobbies but a picture says it all. Or am I just being shallow?!

Anyway is that photo really them, how can you tell? It’s not like they’ve been through some rigorous photo tester to see if it fits its owner sitting at a computer in god knows where. It could be some guy they’ve nicked off myspace, or worse, them ten years younger, before the beer belly, when they hadn’t forgotten to shave and when they remembered what it looked like to look half decent.

Okay so I know some good online dating couples. And maybe the world would be a lonelier place without online dating. Hmmm….or maybe we’d be more sociable, give a bit more of a toss about looking nice to go out and not mope about in our PJ’s all weekend wondering if Mr Right was going to surf our way and leave a message in our inbox.

A friend of mine recently started talking to a local guy online, he sounded cool, looked okay but when she met him she realised she’d made a big mistake. Oh sorry I mean he’d mad a big mistake, he’d forgotten to tell her something really important, a fact that he really should have had on his online profile, in big pink flashing letters: that he was BORING! I mean isn’t this one of the most important traits to tell someone if your going to meet up for the first time; at least warn them that they’re going to be bored shitless for two hours before they can make an excuse about how their pet rabbit is choking on his carrots and they have to go and save the day! Instead my friend tried to steer the conversation away from his Playstation obsession and how it was still reasonable that he lived with his mum at the age of 30, by asking him if he would actually like to know anything about her or just bore her to death all night (not really but she should have had!) No instead she suffered in silence wondering why she’d missed CSI for an idiot like him!

You think my friend would have been scarred for life after that incident; especially after missing CSI, but no she was back on the dating wagon at least a week later. This time it was a Blind date. Now I don’t know about you but whenever I think about blind dating Cilla always pops into my head and Graham’s quick reminders. Well unfortunately she didn’t have three different guys to pick from just some guy that her friend wanted to set her up with. The saga still goes on but what happened to the days when you meet a guy, flirt a little, swap numbers and before you know it your in a relationship. Whenever you’re single everyone always has a mate they can set you up with, a boyfriend’s friend who’s really cute or some other random you don’t really care about; some people are just happy being single believe it or not!!

But for the rest of you that aren’t, happy surfing and just one tip from me never believe their photos; especially if there extremely good looking!!

Relationship Tips.....

Relationships can sometimes be hard work; especially when you bring real life into the equation.

When you’ve been in a relationship for more than a few months all those coupley questions come flooding out; like there’s a manual called ‘Conversations with couples’ that people tend to refer to when their friends have been dating for more than two seconds. Oh the pressure of ‘So when are you two moving in together?’ and ‘Do we hear wedding bells?’ and most embarrassing one; my mum embracing the question of which hat she should wear to her daughters wedding, which daughter? Because it isn’t going to be my wedding any time soon!

Give us some room to breathe please; we’re young, we have the world at our feet….so why would we want to spoil it by spending our weekends at Ikea arguing, doing the washing up, deciding on bridesmaids dresses, or even worse….waking up to a screaming baby…..especially with a hangover!!

And then there were friends……

As much as we love them…or sometimes love to hate them, why oh why do you have to interfere? Okay so maybe we do spend our entire weekends with our boyfriends…glued to their side like they’re our missing arm, and maybe we do sometimes give up girlie nights for a night in with them. But who hasn’t been there, done it and ignored their friends for what we thought was a week but was really a few months?! You have access to modern technology too; so if you want me all you have to do is ask…it’s not like were exclusive to our boyfriends, and we can’t tear ourselves away from them for more than two seconds(We’ll try our best…think we may have used superglue). And stop telling us to call them less, see them less or anything else less…as long as they’re treating us right and were happy surely you should be happy for us too. Or is it….dare I say….jealousy?!!

Money sometimes gets in the way too…especially when you have none! In my last relationship it was the bane of my existence. My ex thought that just because he lived with me and he had to sub me my rent, only every occasional month, that if I bought a new pair of shoes, or even a little bitty magazine, that it gave him the right to argue with me until he was blue in the face, and then ignore me until I promised to save my pocket money for a rainy day. How boring – aren’t shoes more exciting than paying rent? Okay so it isn’t very realistic, and thankfully my new guy is more like me when it comes to money (we forget that it doesn’t grow on trees and our bank managers are currently tracking our every move) but there’s sometimes those awkward little moments when you’re not sure he’s going to pay or he asks you to pay and stop living off his hard earned cash (ok he doesn’t quite put it like that but I’m sure that’s what he’s thinking) and other times when you offer to pay, when you don’t really mean it, and he agrees!! Don’t get me wrong – I pay my fare share – I treat him to clothes and little treats, but when I’m down and broke, with oh but a penny to my name it would be nice for him to offer!! But it’s so not worth fighting over…I’d rather get those new shoes!!

It’s hard to get the balance right, and in a new relationship you’re just finding your feet so it can be hard work. But anyone who wants to make it work will persevere….just tell your friends to stop shoving a copy of the ‘rules’ under your nose, let your boyfriend know about your shoe/handbag/shopping (delete as appropriate) addiction and let those serious couple questions wash over you (but if they do start to bug the hell out of you tell them your pregnant, your wedding will be in Las Vegas and your emigrating to Australia, and watch them never ask you a question like that again!)

The Ex in Question...

Ex’s, you either still love them or you hate them. They either dumped you for being too clingy…following the rules too closely or just purely because. You dumped them for a far better reason, a reason that no man could possibly fathom…but knowing men they think you’ve found another guy or you’ve turned into a lesbian.

The ex is always a hard one to deal with, and even when your hating their guts or you thought you’d forgotten them they either come waltzing back into your head, your dreams or by far worse…your favourite bar. Mine was in the form of a text…just one little harmless text last week. I broke it off with him, so to say I’m over him now is probably an understatement. I was flirting shamelessly within a week of breaking up with him, arranging dates with cuties a month later, and now six months down the line my new boyfriend has not only nearly told me he loves me...but he’s even taken me on a mini break to Venice. So how come with that one short text he’s grabbed my attention and thrown me into a world where checking his emails and googling him seems like a favourite past time.

Abet to my shame I bumped into another ex the other day….literally. I’d only dated him a few times and then I’d seemed to misplace his number every time he text me…and now a couple of months on I come face to face with him in the cereal aisle at Sainsbury’s. Ok, so he doesn’t quite constitute as an ex…but there’s still that awkward moment when all you want to do is grab the weetabix and run. But no I stood and faced the ex…be it with a stunned expression and some what ashamedly greasy hair. The polite how are you’s and what have you been up to’s flowed…when I knew he was thinking more along the lines of; how dare you not text me back and you think your better than me…well I’ll show you, while he brushed his hand through his now very overgrown hair. My little embarrassment didn’t end in tears or the cereal aisle being demolished, but it did get me thinking; what happens to those ex’s that we did invest so much time in, spent so much money on and even centred our life’s around.

Well as a starting point it helps if you know he’s email password. Cheeky as it might sound, what they don’t know will never hurt them, but make sure they don’t find out, you don’t want to be named the crazy lunatic ex. The again what you do know may end up hurting you, because if you don’t want to read emails from girls who he’s slept with, dated or just girls in general its probably a one way street to trantrum-ville.

Sometimes we just don’t want to know what there up to. Take my ex, before they texting incident, the last time I stumbled across him, a mere few months ago I was inundated by his new job, great friends, excellent car and brilliant lifestyle. Shame he couldn’t have got it right when he was with me though. The conversation was like being caught up in a whirlwind and I’m sure he went away not even remembering my name…he was that self obsessed.

Then again bumping into an ex can be a bit more of an ugly affair, especially when they work in the coolest bar in town, like my friends ex…and your mates make you drink four tequilas (…in a row!) You want your ex to see you looking your best; newly straightened hair and with that fresh coat of lip gloss…not face down in your own puddle of sick, which you slipped in whilst trying to perform Madonna’s latest routine.

I’m sure I’ll never find out why my ex texted me out of the blue. Maybe to get the upper hand; when I text him back and he arrogantly ignored me, or just out of sheer politeness…to let me know he’s still there for me. Whatever it was I’ll never understand them…their your best friend…and even when you’ve moved on they’ll always be there, be it in your texts, your dreams, or your thoughts…its hard just to shove them in a box and deny all knowledge of them. I suppose in the end we just have to accept them as our past…as of being part of our lives then….and move on, move on to the now.